I blame it on evolution that men and women seem to have different communication approaches. Outin the savanna hunting buffaloes I guess it was important to play as a coordinated agile and very quiet team, lest the prey hear! Women on the other hand had the whole house to themselves and the task to understand the emotions of the people therein. Words help to that.
By virtue of the mere chromosomes, some families are gender balanced, and others are mostly girls or mostly boys. And if that’s your case, you may well be screwed for life my friend. Thing is, if you grew up in a gender balanced family, chances you developed gender balanced communication skills, meaning you can get men and women almost just as well. If you haven’t had that luck however, please keep no judgment about how you think they should be like, you are probably wrong.
Women, if you want to be heard by men, here’s the deal:
– Men are not as orally verbose as we are. They go on actions and the meaning of actions more than on words. Listen to their silences.
– Don’t expect them to get your silences. It’s not that they can not use words, they do use them when it matters. So they assume if whatever it is mattered, you would have spoken about it, verbose as you are and all.
– Speak once, state your aim clearly.
– Never ever repeat. Leave your words to settle and create roots on their own accord. They will but only if you do not repeat. If you repeat, men go into overwhelm mode and you’ve lost that battle altogether forever and ever.
– If he annoys you, make a sarcastic joke of it and throw it in straight away! Once! Sharp! Don’t go on and on about it. Don’t let it pass.
– Never have serious conversations on what happened yesterday. Your point is to be made when things happen otherwise men interpret an acceptance and that is what they remember, no matter how many times you say otherwise later, cos they don’t remember words quite as loudly as actions.
– When you say you will do something, stick to it. Anything else is interpreted as weakness. I know we are brought up to be nurturing and therefore yielding is loving, but not for them, yielding is defeat and they don’t respect that very much. So be careful what you say. This tip works on children as well, only make menaces you can keep 🙂
– Ask direct questions once, say you’d like to know if he wants to tell you, do not ask again, walk away. He may not have words for your answer and needs to process it himself. Give him time. I know, speaking to men is an art form 🙂
Men, if you’re not getting your women, here’s a few tips:
– Women tend to be more verbose than men. So, if you’re not getting her, try listening. She is very probably trying to say it. Stop and really listen. She will feel understood. Do what she asks if you can. Then offer a hug.
– Don’t bother bringing flowers if you haven’t been listening. Flowers are good for happy times.
– When women get really upset:
1. incoherent though it might seem to you, women stay silent! They take time to process the significance of what just happened. Unfortunately, men interpret silence as acceptance. Upst!
2. once the full blown situation has sunk in, women start trying to explain themselves in words, which is when you switch off, because “well, they had tacitly accepted it and now they’re going on nagging! Isn’t she incomprehensibly emotional?! And weak, why didn’t she say so yesterday?!” Dude, this attitude doesn’t help! She wasn’t being weak, you aren’t a buffalo she has to sneak upon!, she wanted to think before she acted. Out of appreciation for what you two have together. Now she has decided it did matter and she wants to act. She won’t bite. Just listen a little. I don’t mean sit there and sulk and pretend to listen. I mean try and understand things from her point of view.
3. a long later, women stop complaining. Lord and behold, don’t you take a deep breath! Little do you know that by this time she has given up on you a little more and is starting to cut her ties to you. May leave soon. So do try and listen while she’s speaking, especially to the stuff she is repeating. She will stop repeating after you really listen 😉
– When you listen, look deep into her eyes, to show you are really there, then answer in words. Use words. I know it’s hard but you’re a man, you can do this 😉
– Try to use words to express how you feel when you can. Women really love this, makes them feel appreciated and loved that you trust them that much. And you may feel relief that you are finally understood. The more you share, the more understood you are.
Hope this helps 🙂