The love within

Sometimes I feel so much love. It fills my chest and runs to every single last cell in my body, head to toe, tips of fingers and under nails, it’s so strong and so concrete it’s almost palpable. And it feels like love. I think it’s my love for the universe, for life, for being alive, for feeling so completely, I think it’s my love for me, for my story that brought me here, despite everything, to this point where my body is still capable of being flooded by love, and the immense gratitude that comes from deep within that my heart (and toes and tips of fingers) can still feel all this. Despite all the times I have been hurt. Despite the many nights I have cried in despair and utter loneliness. Despite the deepest wound that was my Father’s passing so very many years ago. I am still standing. And still kicking. And still capable of such incommensurable love that could fill the whole world or the whole room and that could enhibriate a worthy lover were such gods living on my bed (how I understand you Florbela Espanca, about gods and mere men*). I am. Therefore I am thankful. This ball is mine for the taking.

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Art of seduction. First night.

So you met a girl. And it is the time for the first kiss in intimacy. And to envelop her in slowly in a velvety smog of warmth and trust that makes her slowly want to blossom into your hands and give herself to you heart and soul and most importantly full-bodily.

So what do you do? Smother her with the pressings of your desire? Go for a hand, catch a glimpse of a breast, steal a squeeze of her bump, in a dance that is way out of sync with hers, that she eventually relinquishes to out of tiredness? Or wait patiently thoroughly enjoying what she has already given and wanting the next thing only when you feel her quaver for it as well?

The most seductive moment of my life happened with my Greek ex of a 4.5 years relationship. First kiss. Lasted 4 hours. At a point I was so far gone into another realm of perception that I looked at him from the top of my bent backwards neck, found his lips on my chest and thought “uauh, you’re here too!”. I had all my clothes on and his hands or any other of his body parts had been nowhere people might call “sexual”. And right there and then I knew I was his. Through thick or thin.

Before we got to that though, at a point he slowly moved the strap of my braw just a little off my shoulder. It was a cute little strap with two strands. I wasn’t ready yet for that, so without stopping the kiss a moment later I pulled one of the strands up. Yet another moment later, in the same sweet rhythm, he pulled the other one up too! So wonderful to be wanted without rush, without having someone else’s rhythm imposed on me. Sensuality, as dance, is about coordinating with each other’s rhythms and tuning into a dance that is made of your blood flow and mine, a song all our very own.

And yes, we slept together that very night. And many others after that. And I never felt he had come to just take and plunder and not give. And sensuality, sexuality and delight never stopped flowing between us. And even when other things made it all fall apart, I still look back at that night and think “that’s just how it should be”.

Learn to dance with your woman. You can if you let it. Flow with it.

Guys, shape It right, will ya

How you put it is how it stays. If you always place your buddy in your underwear in the same position, when it gets happy and inflates it’s going to have the most common shape it has at rest. If that was tilted to the left, it will be tilted to the left. If you rest it tilted to the right, it will tilt to the right in passion too. Apart from unesthaetic, when you enter your loving woman, it will reach her only to one side. And that can be frustrating for her. And for you: think of all the fun her other side might have offered you if only you could reach it.

Upright avoids silly tilts, but is not ideal either, as it will end up challenging your ability to embrace different angles.

What you want is diversity: one day to the right, another to the left, one day upright, the next downwards. Let your baby find comfort in any direction and when it grows all proud it will be able to explore your Lady’s entrails in all directions too, wherever she’d like you to tickle her today, wherever you’d like to get to.

Good luck 🙂

Why do married men like single women?

They lie, they steal, they lay the burden on you, the techniques differ but every so often a man with a big heart pours his silences open to you and eye in eye searches with starvation for a speck of soul him and his wife lost ever so long ago. Arm in arm and eye in eye, slippery slope after slippery slope that he carefully lays for you, you think you are discovering love all over again, with an intensity you knew was possible but had forgotten existed.

Yet the intensity leads nowhere. The huge wave dies off at the beach. You wind up alone and your man uses all that creativity and light he stole from you to rekindle his own sex life and his emotional life back home. You could almost say the unfaithfulness was his most faithful act. And breaking your heart, knowingly, planned, coldly, was “the right thing to do” and just couldn’t be helped. Oh the irony. Oh the coward.

Girls, if you see lingering eyes offering the water you’ve been drenching for in this crazy big desert of a world, steer clear, it’s a nasty mirage that wants to suck you dry and spit you out, go to the beach instead.

My 42. Vibes. God. And what we are doing here.

I believe in God. Because I believe in vibes. I believe there are constantly two choices for each of us: love or fear. Love is the energy of all good things (and good vibes) – trust, optimism, happiness. Love believes in the best in us and others and the future. Love expands our chest, lets us take in more air, cleans our cells and leaves them ready for come what may.  Then there’s fear, contracting, conniving, expecting the worst from the Universe and from people around us, depriving oxygen from come what may, fear is the basis for ‘us versus them’, fear takes on weapons and engages war. Want to kill your love affair? Let fear creep in. It kills it within days. 

When we choose love, love for ourselves too, the whole universe conspires to make us right. When we act on fear, likewise. It’s like the yin and yang, betting on God or the Devil, light or darkness, lightness or burden, life or death.

I think each moment of our lives that we act based on love and optimism and we believe in ourselves and a better world with all our hearts, we inspire the same good vibes in those around us. We exude light and people want more of that and good things come to us. Fearful people can’t stand the light of that and walk away to their dark holes or they maybe start wondering if maybe there is not a better way and start taking their fearful steps towards the sun, when they’re ready.

I believe that our role in life is to bring ourselves closer and closer to a space in the sun. One that works for our love lives and professional lives and our role as citizens and the feeling we get deep inside our souls when we go to bed. I think the more we do and feel this, the more positive vibes live in us and around us. And the closer we come to God.

I believe in the persistence of the soul after death. Those 21 Grams (watch the Sean Penn movie). I believe our soul cares only about love and fear and cares nothing about our other earthly affairs. 

I believe God is the congregation of all good vibes in the world. Therefore omnipresent and omniscient because it is boundless. Good vibes and very evolved souls understand the Universe as one entity, are devoid of ego and vanity, when they come together they mix in an entity of pure love and light and make 1. What we as humans came to call God and in our lame understanding imagine in the image of us. Which “he” is, because perfect love is attainable to our souls as we progress through our path of self-development from fear to love throughout the millennia. As we progress, the limits between us and the universe dissolve, as ego dissolves, and we become pure light that can unite with the rest of God. And until we reach there, we can help those more fearful than us also progress towards the light.

I believe God wanted nothing more for us than for us to willingly grow into him and become part of him. Hence the idea of us being in “His” image. 

I believe “He” created humanity and creation as a way to allow the universe to converge to him, as a way to transform fear into love, minus into plus, in the whole universe. How do you create matter from vibes? By compressing it, says Einstein (E=mc^2, any small amount of matter contains a very large amount of energy). Nothing gets created, all gets transformed. As we, in matter form, evolve from minus to plus, from fear to love, we cleanse an awful lot of vibes, so it’s all very efficient really.

And that’s my 42, my answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything.

The colour of olives and Southern Europeans

Olives are either green or black, as the image shows. Yet in the UK somehow it is also the colour of Southern Europeans! I believe it started because our beautiful eyes look like olives. And somehow it evolved to encompass the mildly sandy tone of our white complection.

Brits say they are white and we are olive.

I find it profoundly offensive. At least Hitler had the good sense to call his pride race “Arian” and allowed the colour “white” to be shared by even his hated Jews.

By British definition everyone who is white has transparent skin that turns lobster colour in the sun. Has hair from brown to blond, where blond is Arian and brown is British, but we don’t call Arians Arians anymore cos that has weird reminiscences, so we just call us all white. Anyone with the mildest bit of melamine, i.e. south of Germany, is something else.

Sweeties, I’m sorry, you do not own the colour white. White is the colour of Europe and Asia natives. It includes different shades of white, different strands of hair, then somewhere along the Sahara it changes tone. But all that matters little, because we are all humans and all the same. So stop proclaiming your colour as central and others as peripherical. Your ways as best and others as less good. And do check your pipes, it’s ridiculous to only have drinkable water in the cold tap of the kitchen, seriously, so outdated!

Girls like money. Right. Take a look at yourself

It’s been my experience that the more well off I get the more men want to marry me. I want to think it’s not that greedy thing guys see in girls.

– In a time where so many people struggle, including guys, meeting someone who doesn’t is refreshing and surprising.

– I am seen as providing access to a life they can’t get to otherwise, with any travel anytime and all the meals one fancies.

– Guys like girls who heighten their social status. Showing off a girl who is almost as pretty as the professionally pretty girls but can also talk equal to equal with just about anyone sorta does that.

– When so many girls search for emotional harbours, on comes Ana wanting to exploit the world full of independence. Bit scary, but exciting stuff.

So maybe that’s why so many men resent not having a car that attracts girls. Because they’d be attracted by a girl with a big car too!

Personally a man’s earthly possessions have never done much to get me ticking. Nor have their looks. It’s a combination of things – their professionalism counts, but their ability to look into my eyes does too, extensive hugs, listen and talking, open-mindness, lightness of heart, liking of cycling and hiking, laughter, simplicity of ways, and the depths we can reach in our intimacy, all that does it for me lots more. And yet I do like the idea of a man who can keep up with me financially, without burdening either of us. 

What makes a good single woman?

Traditionally, that answer was easy. A good single woman was a virgin who covers up but has fiery eyes that can ignite a man with passion and wide hips as a show of her empregnability. This cow like view of a woman is generally (but not everywhere) considered outdated. But still in most countries there are double standards for how men / women should behave in order to be considered “good”. In too many cultures a woman is thought less respectful if she wears too much make-up, too short a dress, drinks too much, shags too many or a random combination the previous factors.

I have a good friend who had shagged 50 men by the age of 28 and was not embarrassed to say it. And no, that wasn’t me. For her, sex was just fun and uncomplicated and something to do. Does that make her less of a good woman? I later saw her in a long-term relationship: always faithful, impeccable house, amazing food, supportive to her man. But surely somewhere in there there was the pontential for betrayal, some of you may be thinking. I would say just as much as for a traditionally “good woman”, because my friend knew the opposite gender and their ways well enough to dodge idiots and liers and fraudsters, and also because she chose her man among many others in full knowledge.

The worth of a woman, or of a man for that matter, can be better judged by:

– from what depths does your laughter come when you are with her?

– is she there for her family and friends?

– is she responsible with work and children and animals?

– does she respect herself above all things and no matter what obstacles she faces?

– does she get back up and keep up a good fight after she’s been hurt?

– is she loving and caring without being weak?

– does she express fear or positivism most of the time? Good vibes or bad vibes?

– does she see you for who you are and love you anyway?

If so, she is a good woman. If not, maybe she is less so. Regardless of how many men she slept or did not sleep with. Regardless of the length of the dress she is wearing now.

Worthiness is not measured by the following of rules. Especially not by the following of your rules. Worthiness is something that is further within. A moral quality that is immaterial in nature.

New age family structures

In the last year and a half I have been offered babies three times. Seriously. This drives me up the wall. I think because I am 41 men men who fall for me think I must be desperate for babies and if they offer me babies I’m theirs forever. Big mistake Dude!

I am travelling Italy on my own this weekend. I have just climbed up from sea level to the height of the photo then down again to the closest town, straight into the water before and after, now a sweet meal, and another hike to the next town of Cinque Terre. All around me are couples and groups of people who wouldn’t go to the supermarket on their own. Well probably. And even if I do prefer having company to go to the supermarket , cos it’s soooo boring!!!, out here I had a world of fun walking at my choice of speed (fast:), avoiding all the shops, and not having to coordinate with anyone else’s loo stop.

I’ve always been this way. I’ve never been one not to search for group approval for the fun I fancy having. I’ve always followed my own fun recipe. I’ve learnt to enjoy my own company early on. I have had lonely times, but I’ve outgrown them and evolved a long time ago already!

I do like friends, don’t get me wrong, but I enjoy quality time with them, deep heart felt conversations, then off to another adventure on my own. What I don’t like is superficiality. And hanging out just so as not to be alone.

The other day I fell in love. Bang in love. All we might have had is two days a fortnight and that somehow suited me fine. A life where I do my thing, then meet for a deep heart-felt connection every so often, as long as it’s regular, then go do my thing some more.

Why do I have to give up my independence to fit traditional prescriptions of a life path? My life is awesome already! I enjoy my own company, I have rebuilt my life to have access to loving hugs when I want them, and be there for my own when they need me, I’m only going to give this up if I am so totally in love that I want him around me all the time! This hasn’t happened in years! It’s really unlikely that I’m gonna find someone who likes climbing mountains my style. Or for whom I’d like to climb my mountains differently. 

Why should I have to? I’m not in a hurry! Are you?

How to communicate with the opposite gender

I blame it on evolution that men and women seem to have different communication approaches. Outin the savanna hunting buffaloes I guess it was important to play as a coordinated agile and very quiet team, lest the prey hear! Women on the other hand had the whole house to themselves and the task to understand the emotions of the people therein. Words help to that.

By virtue of the mere chromosomes, some families are gender balanced, and others are mostly girls or mostly boys. And if that’s your case, you may well be screwed for life my friend. Thing is, if you grew up in a gender balanced family, chances you developed gender balanced communication skills, meaning you can get men and women almost just as well. If you haven’t had that luck however, please keep no judgment about how you think they should be like, you are probably wrong.

Women, if you want to be heard by men, here’s the deal:

– Men are not as orally verbose as we are. They go on actions and the meaning of actions more than on words. Listen to their silences. 

– Don’t expect them to get your silences. It’s not that they can not use words, they do use them when it matters. So they assume if whatever it is mattered, you would have spoken about it, verbose as you are and all.

– Speak once, state your aim clearly.

– Never ever repeat. Leave your words to settle and create roots on their own accord. They will but only if you do not repeat. If you repeat, men go into overwhelm mode and you’ve lost that battle altogether forever and ever. 

– If he annoys you, make a sarcastic joke of it and throw it in straight away! Once! Sharp! Don’t go on and on about it. Don’t let it pass.

– Never have serious conversations on what happened yesterday. Your point is to be made when things happen otherwise men interpret an acceptance and that is what they remember, no matter how many times you say otherwise later, cos they don’t remember words quite as loudly as actions.

– When you say you will do something, stick to it. Anything else is interpreted as weakness. I know we are brought up to be nurturing and therefore yielding is loving, but not for them, yielding is defeat and they don’t respect that very much. So be careful what you say. This tip works on children as well, only make menaces you can keep 🙂

– Ask direct questions once, say you’d like to know if he wants to tell you, do not ask again, walk away. He may not have words for your answer and needs to process it himself. Give him time. I know, speaking to men is an art form 🙂
Men, if you’re not getting your women, here’s a few tips:

– Women tend to be more verbose than men. So, if you’re not getting her, try listening. She is very probably trying to say it. Stop and really listen. She will feel understood. Do what she asks if you can. Then offer a hug.

– Don’t bother bringing flowers if you haven’t been listening. Flowers are good for happy times.

– When women get really upset: 

1. incoherent though it might seem to you, women stay silent! They take time to process the significance of what just happened. Unfortunately, men interpret silence as acceptance. Upst!

2. once the full blown situation has sunk in, women start trying to explain themselves in words, which is when you switch off, because “well, they had tacitly accepted it and now they’re going on nagging! Isn’t she incomprehensibly emotional?! And weak, why didn’t she say so yesterday?!” Dude, this attitude doesn’t help! She wasn’t being weak, you aren’t a buffalo she has to sneak upon!, she wanted to think before she acted. Out of appreciation for what you two have together. Now she has decided it did matter and she wants to act. She won’t bite. Just listen a little. I don’t mean sit there and sulk and pretend to listen. I mean try and understand things from her point of view.

3. a long later, women stop complaining. Lord and behold, don’t you take a deep breath! Little do you know that by this time she has given up on you a little more and is starting to cut her ties to you. May leave soon. So do try and listen while she’s speaking, especially to the stuff she is repeating. She will stop repeating after you really listen 😉

– When you listen, look deep into her eyes, to show you are really there, then answer in words. Use words. I know it’s hard but you’re a man, you can do this 😉

– Try to use words to express how you feel when you can. Women really love this, makes them feel appreciated and loved that you trust them that much. And you may feel relief that you are finally understood. The more you share, the more understood you are.

Hope this helps 🙂