Fitting in a macho’istic world

I used to say that the more you think about feminism, the more you become a victim of it. I used to enter any room paying no heid to the fact that I’m a woman and making everyone take my professional opinion as, just that, my professional opinion.

Recently, it started bothering me. It’s started bothering me loads! Since a man raised his voice and bullied me. A rude man of no importance did that. More than once. And men around him who observed cowarded into saying it was nothing. And my boss took their word for it and says I am too sensitive. And her boss told me, before I even described the incident, that he thought it wasn’t macho’ism, that that didn’t exist in my company. And that’s it. All of a sudden, it’s normal, I’m weird, for not accepting being spoken to in a certain way. They gang up cos I don’t stay in my quiet corner. This guy’s boss tried to sleep with me once. I said no. After that my work and presence goes from being delightful to full of fault. It’s all so weird I sometimes wonder if maybe I’m not seeing things straight. How can this man raise his voice and it be normalised?

I don’t want to work with people like this anymore.

But the attempts to keep a leach on women are so pervasive! Even from your loved ones. I WILL NOT BE SILENCED! I DO NOT FIT the tiny corner anyone has reserved for me! I must move on.


Warning to British men

The level of macho’ism is this country is shocking! Things that are absurdly normal here:

– meeting a guy and him expecting he can sleep with you with the flake of a hand.

– meeting a guy and his hand using the opportunity to explore your body at any chance.

– kissing a guy and him thinking your whole body is now his and not just your lips that you’ve just given. That quick hand up and down just makes me wanna run! And so I do! Tip: ever heard of Latin Lovers? That’s not what they do!

– no idea of seduction or rhythm or slow approximation. Which inevitably hurts any sensual fun for both parts!

– if women need to be half naked for you to notice them, there’s something very wrong in society.

– once a co-worker said out loud in a public place where there were lots of other men that I show my tities at work all the time! How horribly disrespectful!!! Just because I like the odd cleavage.

– assuming all these unrequested advances are inevitably well received and ultimately a compliment just serves to show how you’re programmed to take women’s opinion for granted. We don’t measure our worth by how many men want us!

– unfortunately many women here are also so wired 😦


And all these things are considered normal! Or even sexy!!! And fun! Unacceptable objectifications! I will never get used to this

Some regularities I’ve found

– if women systematically feel they need to wear high heals, tight dresses and lots of make-up, it is a machist society not a liberated one.

Nothing against high heals and tight dresses once and again. But every time everywhere means there’s something very wrong.

– sex is better in countries where women are free but know their worth and make men know it too. 

Then men know they need to work on it if they’re to get any at all. And everyone has more fun.

– it points where you point it.

Art of seduction. First night.

So you met a girl. And it is the time for the first kiss in intimacy. And to envelop her in slowly in a velvety smog of warmth and trust that makes her slowly want to blossom into your hands and give herself to you heart and soul and most importantly full-bodily.

So what do you do? Smother her with the pressings of your desire? Go for a hand, catch a glimpse of a breast, steal a squeeze of her bump, in a dance that is way out of sync with hers, that she eventually relinquishes to out of tiredness? Or wait patiently thoroughly enjoying what she has already given and wanting the next thing only when you feel her quaver for it as well?

The most seductive moment of my life happened with my Greek ex of a 4.5 years relationship. First kiss. Lasted 4 hours. At a point I was so far gone into another realm of perception that I looked at him from the top of my bent backwards neck, found his lips on my chest and thought “uauh, you’re here too!”. I had all my clothes on and his hands or any other of his body parts had been nowhere people might call “sexual”. And right there and then I knew I was his. Through thick or thin.

Before we got to that though, at a point he slowly moved the strap of my braw just a little off my shoulder. It was a cute little strap with two strands. I wasn’t ready yet for that, so without stopping the kiss a moment later I pulled one of the strands up. Yet another moment later, in the same sweet rhythm, he pulled the other one up too! So wonderful to be wanted without rush, without having someone else’s rhythm imposed on me. Sensuality, as dance, is about coordinating with each other’s rhythms and tuning into a dance that is made of your blood flow and mine, a song all our very own.

And yes, we slept together that very night. And many others after that. And I never felt he had come to just take and plunder and not give. And sensuality, sexuality and delight never stopped flowing between us. And even when other things made it all fall apart, I still look back at that night and think “that’s just how it should be”.

Learn to dance with your woman. You can if you let it. Flow with it.

My 42. Vibes. God. And what we are doing here.

I believe in God. Because I believe in vibes. I believe there are constantly two choices for each of us: love or fear. Love is the energy of all good things (and good vibes) – trust, optimism, happiness. Love believes in the best in us and others and the future. Love expands our chest, lets us take in more air, cleans our cells and leaves them ready for come what may.  Then there’s fear, contracting, conniving, expecting the worst from the Universe and from people around us, depriving oxygen from come what may, fear is the basis for ‘us versus them’, fear takes on weapons and engages war. Want to kill your love affair? Let fear creep in. It kills it within days. 

When we choose love, love for ourselves too, the whole universe conspires to make us right. When we act on fear, likewise. It’s like the yin and yang, betting on God or the Devil, light or darkness, lightness or burden, life or death.

I think each moment of our lives that we act based on love and optimism and we believe in ourselves and a better world with all our hearts, we inspire the same good vibes in those around us. We exude light and people want more of that and good things come to us. Fearful people can’t stand the light of that and walk away to their dark holes or they maybe start wondering if maybe there is not a better way and start taking their fearful steps towards the sun, when they’re ready.

I believe that our role in life is to bring ourselves closer and closer to a space in the sun. One that works for our love lives and professional lives and our role as citizens and the feeling we get deep inside our souls when we go to bed. I think the more we do and feel this, the more positive vibes live in us and around us. And the closer we come to God.

I believe in the persistence of the soul after death. Those 21 Grams (watch the Sean Penn movie). I believe our soul cares only about love and fear and cares nothing about our other earthly affairs. 

I believe God is the congregation of all good vibes in the world. Therefore omnipresent and omniscient because it is boundless. Good vibes and very evolved souls understand the Universe as one entity, are devoid of ego and vanity, when they come together they mix in an entity of pure love and light and make 1. What we as humans came to call God and in our lame understanding imagine in the image of us. Which “he” is, because perfect love is attainable to our souls as we progress through our path of self-development from fear to love throughout the millennia. As we progress, the limits between us and the universe dissolve, as ego dissolves, and we become pure light that can unite with the rest of God. And until we reach there, we can help those more fearful than us also progress towards the light.

I believe God wanted nothing more for us than for us to willingly grow into him and become part of him. Hence the idea of us being in “His” image. 

I believe “He” created humanity and creation as a way to allow the universe to converge to him, as a way to transform fear into love, minus into plus, in the whole universe. How do you create matter from vibes? By compressing it, says Einstein (E=mc^2, any small amount of matter contains a very large amount of energy). Nothing gets created, all gets transformed. As we, in matter form, evolve from minus to plus, from fear to love, we cleanse an awful lot of vibes, so it’s all very efficient really.

And that’s my 42, my answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything.

The more the merrier. Polytheism was such a better idea!

This one village, Jerusalem, gave the world the concept of monotheism – there is only one God, i.e. one only version of the truth, our truth, and we are all still fighting for who’s right, thousands of years down the line.

People believing there are many gods, regardless of how many gods there actually are, would have been much more useful. Everybody can be right at the same time! “You have your god so you uphold your values, I have a different god so I uphold different values, who knows which god is more important, let them figure it out, let’s go play football, you and I”.

The Jewish people came up with this idea. Not only did they say there is only ONE God, they also said it was THEIR god. Theirs, the chosen people’s. What lack of modesty to think that God would choose one people over another, that God would prefer some humans (“us”, to be precise) to others! I’m pretty sure that if God exists he doesn’t have favourite children. As Christ later came to declare.

Anyway, wish the idea hadn’t been so catchy. There would still be wars, over politics as in the end they always are, but there’d be lots less fundamentalism. And a much smaller ability of the wealthy to motivate the poorer to do their bidding, in the disgusting way they always have in the monotheistic parts of the world.

Sad day for Europe

So racism and xenophobia are prevalent in England and now it’s been proven. To tell you the truth, it’s no surprise, we could see it behind the smirks, behind the jokes of a few. For example

– A former colleague used to ask me where I live, I’d say Bermondsey St, he’d say ah Elephant and Castle. This happened a few times. Idiot.

– Or the old academic lady, so badly dressed thinking she was so posh, who told me with an English smile how some group was “all proper British, or should I say proper European given our company today, you know no Chinese”.

– Or a friend who used to wonder if we should close the borders so as to preserve a dying culture. And that was a friend of mine who would never call himself the first words of this post. Culture doesn’t die, it evolves, sooner or later into something better than it was.

– My former boss, who was otherwise totally adorable, used to gloat at how there have never been government coups or revolutions here, like we had in Portugal in 74. He’d say this often, until I told him in Portugal there are no terrorists and have never been, no one feels they need to blow themselves up in order to be heard.

It’s ok, I didn’t want to be here anyway, it’s my company that insists, and I was on my way out before today already.

I think the EU itself will crumble. Now Denmark will want a referendum too. I have lived there 20 years ago. They would have voted out back then already. For the same reasons. And many other countries would too. Which is why referendums have always been discussed and avoided in so many countries.

Truth is, like my good friend from Venezuela was saying, Europe is racist and xenophobist. It’s just how it is. Even Portugal feels itself slightly embarrassed in front of other Europeans and feels underlying superior to non-Europeans. Even I have had thoughts that I combat. We are all idiots. Thing is some of us combat our idiocy more than others. But we are all idiots. Like my same friend says “we are all equal”! We are all here doing our best for our children and for our dreams and we all have have strengths and weaknesses that bring us up and down in history and in life, but no one is inherently above or below.

To all my English and Scottish friends who have been so kind to me for 11 years, please forgive my venting about your fellow countrymen. I made an effort to stay quiet and thankful all this time, but today, in front of evidence, the water filled the vase.

My biggest mistake? All my savings are in pounds. Argh

I dream of a day

I dream of a day when everyone gets the same respect, regardless of the size of their dress, the cover of their bodies, the colour of their skin, the size of their purse, the education they manage to get, their ancestry, their career choices, their sexual preferences, or whether they choose to conform with the ways of their immediate circle or to find their own path. A day when people get respect merely for existing as a fellow human.

New age family structures

In the last year and a half I have been offered babies three times. Seriously. This drives me up the wall. I think because I am 41 men men who fall for me think I must be desperate for babies and if they offer me babies I’m theirs forever. Big mistake Dude!

I am travelling Italy on my own this weekend. I have just climbed up from sea level to the height of the photo then down again to the closest town, straight into the water before and after, now a sweet meal, and another hike to the next town of Cinque Terre. All around me are couples and groups of people who wouldn’t go to the supermarket on their own. Well probably. And even if I do prefer having company to go to the supermarket , cos it’s soooo boring!!!, out here I had a world of fun walking at my choice of speed (fast:), avoiding all the shops, and not having to coordinate with anyone else’s loo stop.

I’ve always been this way. I’ve never been one not to search for group approval for the fun I fancy having. I’ve always followed my own fun recipe. I’ve learnt to enjoy my own company early on. I have had lonely times, but I’ve outgrown them and evolved a long time ago already!

I do like friends, don’t get me wrong, but I enjoy quality time with them, deep heart felt conversations, then off to another adventure on my own. What I don’t like is superficiality. And hanging out just so as not to be alone.

The other day I fell in love. Bang in love. All we might have had is two days a fortnight and that somehow suited me fine. A life where I do my thing, then meet for a deep heart-felt connection every so often, as long as it’s regular, then go do my thing some more.

Why do I have to give up my independence to fit traditional prescriptions of a life path? My life is awesome already! I enjoy my own company, I have rebuilt my life to have access to loving hugs when I want them, and be there for my own when they need me, I’m only going to give this up if I am so totally in love that I want him around me all the time! This hasn’t happened in years! It’s really unlikely that I’m gonna find someone who likes climbing mountains my style. Or for whom I’d like to climb my mountains differently. 

Why should I have to? I’m not in a hurry! Are you?

The different flavours of pervasive macho’ism

Macho’ism is expecting women to have a behaviour that corresponds to what society expects of them as followers of the “stronger” men.

People tend to think that Islamic societies are about the most macho’istic. Women having to cover their hair even if they do not want to, or even if they do, is quite macho’istic. And there are countless other examples that we see on the news every day.

But I would argue that macho’ism is present in all cultures, just expressed over different axes:

– in Scotland it’s ok for women to get drunk, as long as it’s not from full pint glasses, cos that’s for men!

– in Northern European countries, many women give up their maiden names when they marry. I explain. If Mary was called Mary Smith, where the Smith name came to her through an endless line of her forefathers, when she marries her name becomes Mary Goldsmith and her identity disappears to be overtaken by her man’s family line.

– if a woman in the UK gets a divorce, she gets half the house, half the money and full parental rights. You may call this feminism. I call it macho’ism. The law assumes we are poor little helpless girls and protects us beyond need and reason. We are equal, Law!!

– on a date, many cultures expect the man to pay. “Dude, I’m a working woman, I make more cash than you, I pay my own shit”! Many women accept this as right and take profit from it. They are macho’ists!

– a woman is expected not to interact much with restaurant staff in way too many places. “Dude, I know how to order my own meal, sorry you can’t handle that!”

– in Southern Europe, where I’m from, men will not ask a woman for help at a man’s job. Assembling furniture is a man’s job. A wonderful Lebanese friend of mine once asked his wife in front of a Spaniard her opinion on how to assemble that IKEA stuff. Macho’ism point goes to Spaniard here.

– a common mistake Western marriages do is, when babies are born, men are unaware that women are biologically programmed to mind only the baby and expect their men to mind the environment, keeping threats away and needing nothing at all. I have seen many marriages eventually die cos the poor little Western couple had no idea this would happen and did not know how to handle it! So when a baby is coming I make a point to tell this to future parents. My Lebanese friend told me “I know, my brother told me”! Uauh! Point for you Dude, for knowing how to care for women’s needs without putting them down.

– US songs are all about bitches and their presidential candidate says all the things you’ve heard. Brazilian politicians are also going on about “stay at home look pretty wives”. Disgusting men whose mothers didn’t teach them anything, maybe cos they too enjoyed all those free drinks at turn out to be so expensive to our place in society, selling us all out for nothing!

Before you throw rocks at other people’s cultures, first check your own. And all the ways you’re lying to yourself about the things you take for granted. There are no superior cultures. Just differences that weigh each other out. And if you think otherwise, you and your peers are very very silly and closing off to great learn potential that comes from observing others with an open mind.